This Creative Life

Welcome to the creative work of Alan White, head writer and producer of "FEEDBACK; A HERO'S CALLING," now at Broken Sea. The "Feedback" in question is Matthew Atherton, My Hero. He and other heroes of mine have links found down the left side of these pages. Enjoy!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

TO-night's The NIIIIIGHT, It's Gunna Be ALLLLLRight ... !

On soft rock stations, whenever Rod Stewart comes on, I turn the dial. (I do the same with Elton John.) But the title of his song seemed apropos.

A few Sundays ago, I had a dream which preceded the Flying-Past-My-Old-Pastor's-House dream. I didn't mention it because it seemed too fanboyish, even for me. It was an afternoon nap-dream, and it was real simple. For some reason, Matt Atherton and I were hanging out in NYC. I had taken him to 640 Riverside Drive to show him where I used to live when I was a city-mouse. There wasn't much to show, except barrio life and cultural diversity. Matt's a tall, dirty-blonde white guy from California, so I figured his interest was bound to wane. So instead, I suggested we just get some sleep, although it was daylight outside. He agreed and we went to sleep like brothers in the same bed. I think I may have napped inside the dream (or the dream had paused, giving the affect of sleeping inside the dream), and then when I 'woke up' Matt was standing over the bed looking kind of perplexed or conflicted. I asked what the problem was and he said, sheepishly, "I thought ... you know ... that we were going to hang out together and do stuff."

Since I waited so long to tell this dream, I can't remember if it happened before he became booked at the NY Comic Con or not. Did I have this dream in anticipation of him coming to NY, or did I dream it first and then made it happen?

During my phone convo with My Friend The Doctor the other day, he said to me, "You're not idolizing this guy, are you?" He'd been there when I formed my relationship with My Mentor in Missouri and he cautioned me the whole way. He remembered one particular day when My Mentor had come down hard on me for not meeting a financial goal (this was before I knew I had to set any). I was devastated and My Friend The Doctor saw it all over me. So from that point he hated to see me set myself up for failure. He doesn't believe that anyone is worthy to be idolized as a hero, and he never did particularly like My Mentor.

So during my descriptors to MFTD about Matt, he heard how fast I was falling and he asked his question, and then I just replied, "Come on, you know it's too late for that. What was I supposed to do? He came wrapped up in a big superhero suit!"

MFTD groaned. He hates to see me brokenhearted. I reminded him that my relationship with My Mentor has worked out fine--that I saw the feet of clay eventually and still we're great friends and all the attention I poured out during my Missouri days were not wasted. I can call My Mentor when I need him and we talk for hours and my whole day gets better.

Will I have that kind of relationship with Matt? I doubt it, what with him out saving the world every fifteen minutes. But will tonight's meeting end in disaster? Will he push me aside this weekend? Will he leave New York without a trace? No. He will not. Whatever kind of person he actually is--however attached or detached from reality, however attentive or absent-minded, however besotted with his wife or annoyingly clingy he might get with me--I've chosen to be friends with him. I'm going to emulate the quality that I believe he has. I'm going to choose to be a friend to him whether he's 'worthy' or not. After all, that's what people have done for me and it has saved my life.

Whether Matt continues to reciprocate friendship or his attention is temporary, I feel like I'm learning how to be a better person through it.


I regret nothing.

I'll will say this, though, for anyone who needs to know (the way I definitely would). If I don't come back and post positively about this weekend, you can assume the worst-case scenario. I won't want to type it out because it will be painful, so you can infer from my silence. And that's me setting up some heart-protection.

Otherwise, on we go into that good night...


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