This Creative Life

Welcome to the creative work of Alan White, head writer and producer of "FEEDBACK; A HERO'S CALLING," now at Broken Sea. The "Feedback" in question is Matthew Atherton, My Hero. He and other heroes of mine have links found down the left side of these pages. Enjoy!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Newest Producer

To my surprise and relief, I blog to you now from the seat of the newest Darker Projects producer. It pays approximately $0 dollars and .00 cents. In fact, less, since I spend money to get some resources.

But the audio adventures that I put together for Feedback was released in November and then took too long to come out again. Then the guy putting it together, who consquently is also the Executive Producer of Darker Projects, was mowed down by a car. He lives, thank God, and is convalescing, but the Feedback's audio went on delay. Then he asked me to take over the "post-production". Which meant me taking all the voices, mixing them, and adding special effects which I would need to find. It was daunting to say the least, but I wanted to do it because I wanted it to get DONE. I was tired of waiting. I feel like Matt deserves good things for jumpstarting my muse, so I took the chance that I knew enough to make it happen if no one else could.

Well, I finished half an hour ago. It still needs a musical score, which another greatly talented fan of Matt's is doing. It should be online by March 1st, at the latest.

But I look back at the process of the work and it seems like there was not a minute of 'producing' that I spent in confidence. I only really loved the result after I played it back to myself, but after I'd finish, I had to look again to the new work with dread. It felt like it would take forever because I didn't think I'd be able to figure out the right tricks in time. I kept thinking I'd get stuck at a point that I couldn't get past. But I kept getting past it. And things that I wasn't satisfied with, I corrected--even though I didn't think they were fixable. And I don't think it's perfect (which I wanted), but I think it's really good.

It was the same way with the novel. I'm waiting for Tor Books and the delightful Patrick & Teresa Nielsen Hayden to send me my rejection form letter so I can get back to work on making the novel publishable, when it's very possible that I actually wrote a good piece of fiction.

Confidence. THAT'S my problem. In every aspect of my life. I need to believe better about me. How do I do that without going across the line into hubris and conceit? I think I have stuff to offer and I think I'm competent. I have history and product to prove that I can produce. I've had girlfriends. I have professional licenses. I've had good reviews. I have friends.

So what is really up?

Well, I don't know, but I hate the way it makes me feel. I want to be satisfied with myself.

So I will say it right here right now.

I DID it!! I produced a 40 minute audio drama!! The Executive Producer appointed me as chief cook and bottlewasher of the project! I gots skillz!!

YAY ME!!!!!!!!!

And yes, I'm not speaking about Valentine's Day on purpose. Rats. I just did.


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