Things About Me That I Don't Know

I was in the middle of a stunned gasp from My Friend The Doctor. He was on the phone earlier today and I had just finished throwing him a clue that he had immediately understood. He *literally* stammered, "You're not going to wear spandex, are you?"

I laughed, but I was petrified at the same time. We were solidifying our plans for the NY Comic Con--what I would do and what he would do, and what we'd be able to do together. So I had to tell him about my audition ambitions. My Friend The Doctor has a cutting, razor-sharp wit. He mercifully did not use it on me. But he was heavily concerned for what I might be doing to myself. Then he made five costume suggestions so that his buddy (me) would not go and make an utter and total ass of himself, and embarass him beyond redemption.

My Friend The Doctor went on to suggest 4.5 out of the 5 costume components that I already will be employing. Does he know me, or what?

And then I asked him if he knew why I was doing this. He said, "Because it's something you've wanted your whole life."

That was *my* cue to literally stammer. I told him, "No no, it's because Feedback deserves a..." and enumerated the reasons that I posted here. But now I've been thinking and thinking. And thinking.

I believe when I first dressed in costume, I didn't even know My Friend The Doctor. And I do believe Matt Atherton may have been, like, 5 years old.

God, this feels so wrong to consider. I'm not the hero, but ... how did I not become the hero?

My Friend The Doctor said, "You better put everything into this. You'd better not give this away." He actually wants me to be a hero. He actually thinks I'm supposed to be the hero. How could that guy see me as a hero? He saw everything I've failed at for the past 20 years now.

What the hell is going on.

I, uh, I think I'm his hero. If I were my therapist, and I were told our conversation earlier, and all our history together, I would suggest that he wants me to be his hero. He wants me to win the show because I'm his hero.

How is this at all possible? Do I need to start taking medication? Does any of this even resemble sanity? How am I getting so grandiose now that I would impose myself as a hero in someone else's life?

Earlier today I browsed by Feedback's website where he has tips for the next contestants for the show. He notably says this;

"#6) Be passionate. Let it mean a lot to you. That's what the show is about, and the more passionate about it you are, the more they'll look at you as a possible candidate to be on Season 2!"

Is it fair that I waste their time? Is it a fair representation of Matt if I am not passionate about being a hero? I'm only passionate about OTHER people being heroes. It only means a lot to me that Matt is Feedback. Does that count? Is that fair?

What the hell am I doing.

*breathe*


*breathe*


Okay. Okay.


City of Heroes. It's time to remember some stuff. City of Heroes. I was New Mutant. I am New Mutant. I've been playing since 2004. I can't even enjoy City of Villains, the sister game that allows you to be evil. Nope. What's the use in that?

When I'm fighting in City of Heroes ... wow. This really is inside of me. I can fight evil for hours.

I remember it now. I feel the passion of it--it's been in there all along. When I first picked up the X-Men and Fantastic Four. When I used to practically run to Monsey on the train tracks on Saturdays to go to the Flea Market and find out if the X-Men would ever restore Kitty Pryde's future mind to her body, or save Senator Kelly from the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. When I used to go to NYC to the comic conventions to find back issues of the Fantastic Four and backfill my collections. When I sidled up to John Byrne out in the hotel lobby while he sat inconspicuously in a plush chair and got his autograph in my sketchbook. When I used to go to 575 Madison Avenue just to get a look at where Marvel Comics and Stan Lee were.

When I went to Joe Kubert's School, ready to be a comicbook artist.

When I published my one comicbook. (And no, I cannot believe that I just found it on the internet. OH MY GOD)

Dammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn it.

So now, I just got off the phone again with My Friend The Doctor. I can correct something. I'm not his hero, per se. I didn't ask specifically if I were, but I asked if he had any heroes at all anywhere. He said no. He doesn't see things as I do. He doesn't get why I glom onto heroes the way I do. But he is, however, very aggressive, himself (he might be his own hero). He does think that if I'm going to do this, I should do it because *I* want to be the hero, not because I want to be a sidekick. Then we both agreed that I'm more comfortable being the sidekick.

Now why the hell is THAT true? Because true it is. I'm more comfortable being the sidekick, being a part of the team--but when its my turn to opinionate, I SO do. And if someone disrespects me--ME--I am ready to kick some serious ass. (Just ask the people who drive around me on the roads).

Apparently, there's a hero inside of me. He fights for me. He's been with me all along.

And here's what My Friend The Doctor totally said to me which sealed the damn deal. He said, "He treats you like a peer because it's what he's comfortable with. If you want to act like a sidekick instead of a peer, you'll lose his respect."

I've been saying it, but damn if I didn't really mean it. So now I need to mean it. I have to actually let it go and then own it.

Matt Atherton's a friend. Of. Mine.

THAT is all right then.

Isn't it?