I Write Too Much

Another sleepless night. I know exactly why. I'm contemplating something that will propel me out of my comfort zone. All the words of the past few days were my efforts to keep my momentum going. My discoveries are valid. I am at once mean and gentle. I want to simultaneously be a sidekick and a hero. I both want to be on a reality TV show dressed in costume to live out my boyhood fantasies and be a mature, grounded, well-adjusted adult.

Match.Com Girl finally replied to me. The title of the e-mail was, "Thanks, but..."
The body of the e-mail was, "Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we're just not a good match. Good luck in your search!" The email is in html format, so the message came with the benefit of her picture. Thus her Corinne Bailey Rae-like face is peering at me as I read the rejection. At the bottom of the letter, Match.Com says,

"Don't get discouraged!

With millions of singles on Match.com, you're bound to find a few that aren't right for you. Don't let that stop you; instead, search for and contact other members who are waiting to meet you!
Tip: To increase your chances of making a true connection with someone, click Do we match? when viewing that member's Portrait. You'll see how well the two of you match up by comparing your Portraits. If you're convinced you'll make a connection regardless, explain why in an email!"

So how did Match.Com know that M.cGirl was rejecting me? I'm guessing there was an easy "No" button she could click and out spits the e-mail form-letter rejection, and then the further encouragement to keep giving them my money.

Fortunately I read that after I had made my lengthy post last night, so it didn't really factor in to my sleeplessness.

No, my major concern right now is that I'm not a good candidate for this television show. I watched some YouTubage where stealthy rulesbreakers are going to get their footage of the auditions yanked any day now. A major question Stan Lee asks the superheroes is "Why do you want to be on this show?" His delivery is bombastic. Confrontational, you might even say.

It's a question on the application, in fact. My answer was "Because there are a thousand more people like I was a year ago; lost and scared, in despair without hope or a hero. I want to be someone else's "Feedback"."

Now I'm lead to believe this is a wrong answer. I should want to go on the show because *I* need to be on the show? Because I *want* to be on the show? I should be doing this for *myself*?

How is that superheroic?

I'm sleepless because I don't think I really do want to be on the show. I think I'd still rather be the sidekick than the hero. I'd rather be Jimmy Olsen than Superman. I'd rather be the Assistant Director of my psych department than the Director.

My Friend The Doctor said that would be wrong. He said Feedback would lose respect for me. Actually, maybe My Friend The Doctor would lose respect for me. I think it's pretty clear that he would, but I think Matt is my friend because he's Matt, not because I am or am not a hero.

Ah well. My Friend The Doctor still is, as the title implies, my friend and he's not perfect. He himself admits that he has no heroes. He might not know how good it feels to admire someone else--to be inspired by someone other than himself. And he might not know how good it feels to be unconditionally loved by a hero.

Because that's what heroes do.






































Stan Lee: "Why do you want to be on this show...?"
Me: Knows why now.