This Creative Life

Welcome to the creative work of Alan White, head writer and producer of "FEEDBACK; A HERO'S CALLING," now at Broken Sea. The "Feedback" in question is Matthew Atherton, My Hero. He and other heroes of mine have links found down the left side of these pages. Enjoy!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Performance Barrier; "The Hardest Part Is When You're In It..."

Remember that song?

I've been in love before,
I've been in love be-FOORRE
(The hardest part is when you're in it)


Well, now I'm finding myself in the midst of another Performance Barrier. Let me first redirect your attention to this post. In it, I detail why I felt Feedback and myself were like-minded people, and he agreed. Now may I draw you attention to this post, where I described some of the costumes I have actually cobbled together in the past to attend Comic Conventions.

There is an actual freedom in wearing another persona. Especially when the persona is heroic and larger than you. It forces confidence while at the same time, allows hiding. It makes you a spectacle of attention but at the same time provides you a shelter of anonymity.

And in costume, you can DO stuff that you might never do elsewhere. (Or perhaps you might.) For me, the prospect of putting on another costume promises me a few things that I find very attractive;

1) I could join My Hero and live life as he does for a few minutes, maybe hours.

2) I could put my money where my mouth is, in effect defeating the idea that, "Yes, I think you're awesome. I admire your passion to follow this inspiration that we both share. But there's no way I'd ever do what YOU do!"

3) Go back to the pre-Feedback days of innocence when comics were just fun and pretending was freedom.

4) Again, join my hero. But in this context "join" means "bond with". I'm evidently hungry to bond with my heroes. I hope that's common. Something inside is not content to just admire from afar. It may be hubris to think that I should dare to become peers with great people. It might be pride or stubbornness. I may be trying to feed my ego. I really don't have an answer to this one.

Scott told me that I shouldn't think it unusual that people would want to be friends with me. I'm evidently still trying to convince myself of that. And I seem willing to put a costume on to pack on an extra layer of worthiness to earn a friendship.

Obessively.

Analytical.

So this leads me to the reason I'm posting. I have my costume ready. I tried it on yesterday. I scared myself. I've lost 30 lbs in a year and I think I actually look good. (I seem to always think this. Or at least, I've typed that phrase a lot. Good to know I don't TOTALLY hate me.)

And now, I've thought up an actual superhero persona to go with the costume. That would make me able to try-out for the next season of Who Wants To Be A Superhero. And so, I seriously considered it. Even stated in one cyberplace that I would.

And now I don't want to.

Performance Barrier.

The reason why I wanted to do it to begin with is that I would just use the platform to shout out Feedback and Tech Support. Get up there in front of everyone just to let them know how much I appreciated Matt, and get their attention back onto him so that this whole swell of New Seasonism doesn't leave my friend behind in a big cloud of dust. It actually hurts to think of Matt as being forgotten or neglected. I just think he deserves more than that for being who he is. I love the guy and want to see the best for him.

Now all this resolve is getting washed out in a haze of fear. Now I'm just like, WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?!? ME, the guy that was losing sleep and appetite over training a class of 13 people wants to get up in front of HUNDREDS in a SUPERHERO COSTUME?!?!

Performance Barrier. The hardest part is when you're in it.

Thing is, I can probably do this, once I go ahead and try. That's my theory. I could probably audition for American Idol as Simon and Paula as the judges, if only I would just try. Not trying is no answer. Fear is the mind-killer.

And I look DAMN good in my costume. And I've done this before. And mind you, the costume is conservative. I'm not taking a chance to go Speedo-surfing and utterly ruin my professional career. The items I will wear are all something found in everyday clothing attire. Well, okay, not EVERYday, or else how would it be a costume? But I put it together nicely and it fits the character. And I'm not looking to get chosen to go on the show--I can't afford to take time off, and definitely can't afford to be plastered all over national television with all my psyche hanging out. This is just something I want to do for Matt.

Boy oh boy. With all this angst going on, picking him up from the airport is going to be like getting a burger from McDonald's.

Which is a nice consequence. :)

"Performance Barrier--It's What's For Dinner!"

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Forgive my asking, but if I recall correctly, your TS personna isn't so much a 'costume' as more a 'dressing for the profession'. A similar thing could be said for K2 [from her showing with Arc down in Florida]. I would guess most people at the NYC con wouldn't even blink seeing you in your TS uniform.

And that reminds me... I need to make sure my outfit is correct for Pittsburgh next month. Thanks for the reminder.

-Archive

12:55 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

You're right, and I am definitely playing the safe card. But in order to submit an application, the TS persona (which I have not and will not name here in order to prevent reverse-Googlation) has to have superpowers and be costumey. So when I put on the ensemble, I had to shift it a bit to keep it from looking like ordinary business attire. Thus I have a few accesories to nudge it up into the 'superheroic' range.

When you see pictures ... oh, and there will be pictures ... you'll know we are not your average geek. :)

2:18 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

I love putting on costumes, probably for a lot of the same reason as you do. I get to be someone else, and that feels really cool. I made a Venkman outfit (from Ghostbusters) and had a couple friends play the other characters for Halloween. It just feels good.

My instinct is to push you into going onto that show. So I'll follow it. Do it. Do IT. DO IT!!

8:35 AM  

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