I Still Feel Bad About My Mini-Rant Yesterday
White people have been very good to me. I feel like the dog biting the master's hand. And that's the problem.
Why do I feel like a dog? Why am I putting the white guy(s and gals) in the "master's" position? I wish I didn't have this dichotomy in my head. Always registering white and black. I'm as conscious of skin color as I accuse white people of being. I'm about 75% on th edefense against possible racism. Maybe more. I carry the scars of the memory of Martin Luther King's assassination and the impact it had on the adults in my life at the time. I am able to trace so much of my poor upbringing on the color of my mother and father's skin, and how their struggle through society affected their ability to have a family (or as the case turned out to be, not have one).
So of course, I get to wrestle with self-esteem and resentment as a result. I want to be accepted (I've covered this) but I want to be respected as well. I want the place that I have a right to have. I want the respect that I earn. I don't want the back seat if there's room at the front, unless of course, I'd rather hide out in the back. I want to right to choose and no resistance to my rights.
But I want to recognize and appreciate the people in my life who have never given me any resistance to my rights. Embraced me and encouraged me, in fact, to use my rights. There are so many white people in my life who have done this for me. They've even overlooked my 'black attitude' when I left it roam free. They've absorbed my blows and given a few well-placed shots in return. I've grown because of them. But is it enough?
Gosh, I just feel like crap today. I must have called three friends last night just because I felt like reaching out (one was busy and the other two didn't answer). This was after the Nitro visit. There was something about the warmth of his family that made me a little melancholic. Leaving his home and driving up the Garden State back to my dysfunction felt empty and bleak. Then, (and yes, go ahead and laugh at this) I found out that Corrine Bailey Rae is married. I get victimized by my own grandiose thoughtlife (but I will still rule out bipolar disorder, because here I am at work. I still "function"). Then I blogged. So I guess I was in a crappy mood and kind of lashed out.
Now I'm at work and I have nothing much to do here in the AM, and I went to a fellow writer's blog this morning and nearly cried reading his post about his children. This isn't as bad as I get, but it's not all that great right now. It's all about the family-sized hole I've got in my heart, I think. Yeah. It is. My eyes are tearing up as I write this, so, yeah. That's it.
I still want to be loved. And worse than that, I wanted to have been loved. Nothing I can do about the past, though, so I have to do something about my present. I have to get loved. I have to be loved. Life is just not worth living without love and I definitely want to live.
So. That's all right then.
Why do I feel like a dog? Why am I putting the white guy(s and gals) in the "master's" position? I wish I didn't have this dichotomy in my head. Always registering white and black. I'm as conscious of skin color as I accuse white people of being. I'm about 75% on th edefense against possible racism. Maybe more. I carry the scars of the memory of Martin Luther King's assassination and the impact it had on the adults in my life at the time. I am able to trace so much of my poor upbringing on the color of my mother and father's skin, and how their struggle through society affected their ability to have a family (or as the case turned out to be, not have one).
So of course, I get to wrestle with self-esteem and resentment as a result. I want to be accepted (I've covered this) but I want to be respected as well. I want the place that I have a right to have. I want the respect that I earn. I don't want the back seat if there's room at the front, unless of course, I'd rather hide out in the back. I want to right to choose and no resistance to my rights.
But I want to recognize and appreciate the people in my life who have never given me any resistance to my rights. Embraced me and encouraged me, in fact, to use my rights. There are so many white people in my life who have done this for me. They've even overlooked my 'black attitude' when I left it roam free. They've absorbed my blows and given a few well-placed shots in return. I've grown because of them. But is it enough?
Gosh, I just feel like crap today. I must have called three friends last night just because I felt like reaching out (one was busy and the other two didn't answer). This was after the Nitro visit. There was something about the warmth of his family that made me a little melancholic. Leaving his home and driving up the Garden State back to my dysfunction felt empty and bleak. Then, (and yes, go ahead and laugh at this) I found out that Corrine Bailey Rae is married. I get victimized by my own grandiose thoughtlife (but I will still rule out bipolar disorder, because here I am at work. I still "function"). Then I blogged. So I guess I was in a crappy mood and kind of lashed out.
Now I'm at work and I have nothing much to do here in the AM, and I went to a fellow writer's blog this morning and nearly cried reading his post about his children. This isn't as bad as I get, but it's not all that great right now. It's all about the family-sized hole I've got in my heart, I think. Yeah. It is. My eyes are tearing up as I write this, so, yeah. That's it.
I still want to be loved. And worse than that, I wanted to have been loved. Nothing I can do about the past, though, so I have to do something about my present. I have to get loved. I have to be loved. Life is just not worth living without love and I definitely want to live.
So. That's all right then.
posted by Me | 1/25/2007 09:27:00 AM
2 Comments:
Hi Alan,
Man, it really sounds like you are going through a tough row. Self esteem is the hardest facet of life to master, and sadly, relies heavily on the feedback of your peers. And they can cold and unforgiving.
I'm not black, so I can't give you any credible advice. I will say that I have listened to Larry Elder on the radio, and have been moved by his enthusiasm. He says that anyone in America, of any class or color, can make a success of him or herself with hard work and determination. I expect that there are many more hurdles to clear in a racist society, but opportunities exist nonetheless. And of course, Larry Elder is a shining example of this.
I grew up poor. To escape living in an Alaskan trailer park, I took advantage of a school loan program and went to college. There are ways if you look around, especially for low income people. It's cliche, but true nonetheless, that when there is a will, there is a way. Always. I don't know what it's like in other countries, but here the way isn't always so easy to see, but there is always something, a path, an opportunity, or advancement through hard diligent work.
I guess I'm saying that it all starts inside you. A belief that you can. A rock solid belief that you can. If you believe you can, then you will. And that's a guarantee.
Thanks for the encouragement, Scott. I go back and forth with these issues. Gladly, I have a succession of positive, self-affirming posts before yesterday. Things will look up again, I'm sure. And despite how I feel, I'm still doing what I need to do to move forward with my stalled, redeemable life.
So that too is all right then.
Thanks for stopping by! I look forward to more communication with you. :)
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