This Creative Life

Welcome to the creative work of Alan White, head writer and producer of "FEEDBACK; A HERO'S CALLING," now at Broken Sea. The "Feedback" in question is Matthew Atherton, My Hero. He and other heroes of mine have links found down the left side of these pages. Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

I Want A New Drug

One that wont make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel
Like I feel when I'm with you

Wait a minute. Does that mean that Huey was doing OLD drugs?

Anyhow, I need to get busy. Busier. My idle mind is SO messing with me. My muse is stirring and I'm envisioning a new story which I'll tell shortly. I may try to genericize it so that I can possibly submit it somewhere. But for now, it'll be called "The Jimmy Olsen Syndrome"

It asks the premise, "How do you get along when your best friend is off saving the world most of the time, and has a girlfriend/wife?" That sentence should tell the story by itself, so I won't elaborate. Instead, I'll dive head first into the reality checks so I can change my mood;

1) Matt Atherton is not your best friend. He's a good friend, but not the best one. Distance and obligations, and the fact that he already HAS a best friend, keep him from being that.

2) My Friend The Doctor is my Best Friend. I do him a disservice when I get melancholic for missing Matt. MFTD is always there, and I'm significant in his life. We have a relationship that spans more than twenty years.

3) I have an addictive personality. Even though I've broken the fourth wall and made a television personality acknowledge my presence on planet Earth, my obsessive self won't let me be content with that. I will, however, not allow my obsessive self to ruin it and make it a bad experience for Matt. I'll shut up and I'll wait for when he has time. Hence my need to be busier.

4) This will pass. I've obsessed over heroes before. It has felt as intense as this currently does. I've obsessed over My First Pastor, My Mentor, Grim Jester, and My Other Hero. Those passed. (Or maybe more accurately, they were replaced.)

I need to find something to replace My Hero. Isn't that sad to say? Maybe that's why Tech Support loses once prominent members? Because they aren't comfortable with all the brainspace they've given over to a person who is essentially just another human being?

MFTD, in the midst of the New York Comic Con, wanted better for me. It made him sad to know that I have this hero-need in my life. I attributed it to his own disillusionment with the world, and maybe with his own father. But I saw his point too. I have the hero-need because of some damage done. Because of a significantly missing father and because of my underdeveloped sense of self. MFTD wants to see me get to a place where I'm not chasing heroes. At the time, I told him that I'm happy chasing heroes. It's an endorphin rush which makes my otherwise bleak life happy for a while. In the absence of all else, I had no desire to abandon it.

And I still don't. Underneath the costume, Matt's a human being who deserves some loyalty and whatever friendship I can extend to him. In order for me to do that, I need to take care of myself too. I need to have my head right. The obsession part has to stop. This longing after a hero has to stop. That isn't friendship. That's "Fatal Attraction" MFTD said that too. He's a good guy, My Friend The Doctor.

I don't want a new drug. I want off ALL drugs.


Post a Comment

<< Home