This Creative Life

Welcome to the creative work of Alan White, head writer and producer of "FEEDBACK; A HERO'S CALLING," now at Broken Sea. The "Feedback" in question is Matthew Atherton, My Hero. He and other heroes of mine have links found down the left side of these pages. Enjoy!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Sunday Ennui

Last Sunday was cooler so I went out, but this Sunday it was hazy and a little too warm, so I stayed in, but on either ocassion I didn't go into NYC as I thought I would in the morning and more notably, I didn't go to church.

I haven't been going in months. The whole summer, I didn't darken the doors. The whole Spring either, for that matter. I don't think the winter saw much off me either. And probably not last autumn either. The blog knows.

I'm worried about it. What happened to my desire?

As I've dissected my origins, I do know that I went to church back in my teens because I was hunting a father-figure and a family to fill in my homelife. Unfortunately, when I thought I found those, I brutally neglected my mother and things never really got better between us and then she died and I ran to Missouri for a full religious/family immersion. It started out good, but people remained being people, and it didn't last. The lessons I should have learned in my 20's, I'm only learning now in my 40's.

But what happened to the way I saw God? What happened to the voice I thought I heard at times, "leading" me and "guiding" me?

Is He real still, or was he a convention I used to cope with a crazy childhood?

Some intellectual pursuits are still in place for me. I cannot believe that myself and all the sentient beings I personally know, and all those who I do not know, came from nothing. I also cannot believe that the non-sentients, such as trees, came from nothing. I can't believe that the way my eyes perceive colors developed without design. I can't believe the people who created the Internet were able to do so without themselves being created. (Just believing that a God who did all this had no creator Himself is a lot to accept--I certainly can't give that same faith over to a human being).

But what do I do now? How do I worship God anymore? Do I settle for finding him in Corrine Bailey Rae songs, and in the fabric of beautiful days, and in the design of my eyesight? Do I force myself to attend church services to get back in the habit and not ask questions of why? I know what I prefer, but what I prefer keeps me confused, or at least uneasy.

Meanwhile, today I get a chance to hear and possibly speak to My Hero. I have not been excited about it. Rather, I've been worried. Will the interview go well? Will my friends at FanBoy Radio be respectful? Will Matthew Atherton be a good interview? Will he be a lunatic? Am I a lunatic?

No answers. I'll post later with results, partial-answers, hopes, dreams ...

Just how long is a person suppose to have a midlife crisis anyway?


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